Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
You Might Also Like
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
What?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.