My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
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Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook