Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.