Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”