Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*