“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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accurate
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time