I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Friday night party time 🥳
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.