Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital