interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?