*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Genius idea!!
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing