Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.