You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
No, I don’t think I will.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
me, after any kind of buffet.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
can’t catch a break
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.