Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
this could fix me
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
A ghost story
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.