I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.