I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”