A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”