If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.