17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
u spoke cat all this time??????