Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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Comparing yourself to others
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.