By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Breaking news:
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?