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Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Something Saturday.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Meowchelangelo
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities