I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*limbos under the caution tape
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Jesus Christ lmao
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket