If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
You Might Also Like
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
ibopfufen