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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
But wait…
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?