forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.