Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Cheers Twitter.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it