The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
the short answer to this question
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name