Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.