Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Nothing.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes