Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The happy life.. 😊
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Welcome
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.