Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Don’t we all.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.