I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.