Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.