I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know