Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Pringles
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*