New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.