*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
You Might Also Like
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.