MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My birth announcement for our third baby
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
This makes total sense…
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”