Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
You Might Also Like
Proctology is located in A55
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.