Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away