I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.