Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Lmao
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.