I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
i- i did not expect this
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.