“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”