i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no