Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.