Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I can fix him.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…