girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”