I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
You Might Also Like
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
No. YOU-buprofen.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*