I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.